steppingintoday.com

This article will be a little unlike my other articles.  You see, my family and I have been through quite an ordeal lately, and while it may have nothing to do with being a stepfamily, when you take the average intact family and put them up against hardship it hurts, now add an extra few children to that and it thickens the struggle for everyone. 

Coming from a childhood that was financially challenged, I learned early on how important hard work was.  I have been a career minded business woman for thirty years now, and always managed to blend that well into being a mom, a wife, and a stepmom.  Three years ago I left a company that I had ownership in to pursue an offer in management of a new location for a local firm.  I was able to design my office and bring any agents I deemed acceptable. 

In a down economy our office was doing remarkably well.  My team of agents were some of the greatest out there, as human beings, as well as successful business minds.  It was my second family, and one that I spent a tremendous amount of time with - coaching, assisting and motivating, to be the best that we could be.  Unfortunately, as good as we were, the other offices not doing so well caused one to close and then, to my surprise shortly after, my salary deemed unneccesary.  In September I was told my pay would be cut in half and by November, to my dismay, I was let go.  This was an all time low for me, as I had never before been "fired" and didn't know the first thing about unemployment or where to start.  Not only did this come at one of the hardest points in my life, as I had a dad fighting cancer and a mom with other serious health issues, but I had just bought a house to take my mom with me so that I could care for her. 

My husband and I have 7 children between us and their needs grow by the day.  Here I was with a new home and no job, a sick dad and an ill mom, and the holidays were right around the corner.  I was facing so many struggles that I felt like a ton of bricks were placed on my back.  I wasn't sure that I could breathe at times and lay awake at night with panic attacks and crying bouts trying to figure how I would work this all out.  Here I was this superwoman, or so I always thought, not feeling like myself at all.  I was dealing with not only a financial burden, but health issues and a sense of mourning for my agents that I grew so close to.  My husband was experiencing chest pain that only I knew from his actions, because he never spoke those words.  Infact, he was my tower of strength.  I'm sure many are thinking I'm the woman, so my job must be secondary and just helps things move along, but when you  live in stepfamily there are others things that come into play, like the fact that my husband has child support obligations that take a good amount of his salary, even though the children are with us much of the time, and so my income was largely counted on for us to get by. 

I allowed myself some time to heal, but the healing wasn't coming as fast as I had hoped.  It was a force to get myself up and dressed.  Infact, I had worked for so long that I barely owned any clothes not meant for work.  I had one pair of jeans and a few sweaters that could suffice for my sad unemployed self, and surely there was no money for an unemployment wardrobe. 

Thanksgiving Day was our turn without our children because it was their other parents turn, and that had me sinking lower.  The next day was Black Friday, and even the best of sales couldn't have pulled me out of the house, no money equals no shopping.  So I decided to get out of my slump and try to decorate for Christmas.  I went to the basement for the stockings and realized they had been damaged in the move.  I went to the couch and sat to sob one more time and feel sorry for myself when suddenly there was a loud knock at the door.

 My husband and son went to the door but saw someone run.  He turned the light on and opened the door to see who it may have been and there sat a round gift box.  The gift box read "Bless Our Home" and a little note attached said "To Laura from Santa's Elf".  My husband brought the box inside, as my son had tried but he couldn't lift it.  He called me in saying that I wouldn't believe my eyes..and that surely got me up off the couch.  I lifted the cover and inside there was a note that read "I hope this helps a little to make Christmas better for the children" Love, Santas Elf.  As I uncovered the tissue paper you could see the box was full, to the very top, with coins.  Someone had saved every quarter, dime, nickel and penny for a very, very long time.

Suddenly, this overwhelming feeling came over me.  Ofcourse, once again, I cried..but these tears were different.  They were tears of love, of hope, of promise.  I don't know how much is in there yet, as I haven't been able to bring myself to do anything but look at it.  It was more than just coins in that box, it was the ability to see clearly that angels are around us, that people truly do care, and that there are some who have it so much worse.  It was my inspiration to crawl out of my sorrow and get back in the game.  I took my license and joined a new firm, Meg Smith and Associates, the one with the nicest office and a true heart for the community.  I was a power Broker, and I will be again.  I'm also a great mom, a good wife, and a loyal and true person, and somewhere along the way those qualities are still held in high regard.  It gave my family the realization that doing for others is sometimes better than anything you can ever do for yourself.  It wasn't just coins, it was closure.  It was as if someone far greater than I came and held my hand and pulled me up to where I needed to be.  We have decided as a family that we are going to put that money towards our Christmas Tree and holiday family dinner, and with some of it we will pay it forward and give a gift to someone when they least expect it.  And even if I never find out who my elf is, I know this person knows that I am good, infact better than ever, and it is because of them.  Thank you for my "Pennies from Heaven".

Is There Such a Thing as "Fun For the Whole Family?"

I ponder this question with every activity we plan.  As a Mom and Stepmom of seven children between the ages of 23 - 5, I often ask myself if there really is such a thing as fun for our whole family.

It’s winter, and I am not a big fan of the snow.  Infact, when it comes to skiing and snowboarding count me out.  As a child, I loved sledding.  Until, one cold day the sled got out from under me. I flew across the ice until the sled caught up with me and decided to run over my face.  We didn’t have the soft circular sleds back then.  No, we had the red flyer.  You know the kind, it had  the heavy glossy wood platform and the steel red blades. Lets just say, it was not a pretty sight.  So, as a mom of three girls, I have managed to lead by example and not practice the skills of skiing or snowboarding with my little ladies. Then I married a fearless man who climbs steel columns and skyscraper buildings for a living.  I gained three fearless stepchildren who love the daring sports and anything else that puts me in a panic. We added our "baby", now 5,  to our family, and to my surprise, he is as much of a daredevil as his brothers.

 I gravitate to indoor activities in the winter.  If I could  take our family of nine to warmer climate every winter I would, but that just isn’t feasible.  So, I search winter getaways that have other things to do for my children who aren’t snow-friendly.  What are the obstacles in that you’re thinking? Let me share.

For some reason the art of  jewelry beading, candle making and sand art no longer interest our older girls.  Seems that spas and shopping do not interest our boys.  The enjoyment of just sitting around and taking in the sights has escaped the minds of our new generation, and oddly enough, sipping hot cocoa by the fireplace while reading only interests me. 

So, here is what I need; I need a winter wonderland resort where there is snow, a mall, a spa, Xbox Live, high speed internet, a fireplace, a gym, a pool, Lego land, swings, circus clowns, an animal petting zoo,a kiddie campus for the little guy, and a casino and wine tasting wouldn’t hurt either.  Don't forget, it must have Wi-Fi and easy access to Facebook and Twitter, and a DVR incase they miss the horrid episodes of Family Guy, or worse, Jersey Shore, and please have several restaurants on premises for our 9 finicky eaters. Oh, and  make that within driving distance because with a family this size flying is a second mortgage.  Any ideas?

I took a deep breathe and gathered my thoughts, searched out my options, thought of the cramped car, the luggage that once flew off the roof, the 7 ipods in the ears playing different music in each and decided...

There is such a thing as fun for the whole family….its in our livingroom, with popcorn, raisinettes, swedishfish, m&m’s, nachos, and a good movie.  But wait….what rating will our movie be????? !!

                         Stepping In Today

                                       With Laura Vomvos

Stepping in a Fathers Shoes

This month we celebrate Fathers Day.  I would like to dedicate this column to all of the fathers.  The role of a dad has evolved over the years from being the bread winner and provider to taking on the more active hands-on approach of child raising.  Back in the day, we had soccer moms and working dads.  Today, we have dads that join in every sport and hobby their children sign up for, and with support and enthusiasm.  We are the generation of diaper changing dads and PTA pops. 

There is no greater smile on the face of my husband than throughout baseball season.  He takes great pride in Coaching and practicing with our children.  There is no prouder father than my husband when he sits on the bleachers of a wrestling match, or the sideline of a softball game, or the bench at a soccer game, or the stands at a graduation.  He does it all, and with a huge grin.  You see, greater than any job, is his job of being a vital role in the life of our children.  Greater than any vision he has for us, is the vision he has for our children. 

Life in stepfamily adds some challenges to that, as remaining in their life daily creates its own hurdles.  I applaud him for his untiring efforts of making us a family.  Sharing your children part of the time isn’t easy, and we have always remained focused on our family time together.  We are sure to have dinners together, attend one anothers sporting events, and interact on a daily basis.

 Being a stepfather is a special balancing act of learning to juggle the friendship with the boundary line.  It is learning to love a child that wasn’t yours from the start, and feel the growing pains together, as your relationship grows and expands with time.  Its knowing when to say what you need to say, and when to know well enough to say nothing at all. 

My parents have been divorced for 40 years. I guess you could say I’ve been “living in stepfamily” all my life.  This past mothers day my father gave my mother a special gift when he picked up the phone and called to thank her, 40 plus years later, for raising three of the greatest children in the world.  I thought to myself, what a wonderful thing to do! 

So, today I would like to do the same for the wonderful fathers in my life.  To my father- my forever friend, to the father of my daughters for their hand in the raising of my amazing girls, to my brother for loving his children as he does, and to my husband who is by far the most amazing, involved, loving dad in the world, I thank you.

To all of the wonderful fathers out there who take the time to play with their children, attend the huge number of timely events, learn to use facebook, twitter and texts just to stay connected, pushed strollers through parks and load the dishwasher without beings asked, we thank you.  We thank you for your involvement, your love and your parenting.

As the saying goes “A father is a man who has replaced the currency in his wallet with the snapshots of his kids” .  Always know the time you spend never goes unnoticed, unwanted or unappreciated.  To all the great dads out there…Happy Fathers Day!

Stepping In With A Place For Everything, And Everything In Its Place.

     If there is one thing we know about stepfamilies, it is that you are stepping into a life that is already shared with others that are very dear.  It is a wonderful thing when you can form a blended family that works well together and creates a new happy family, but that doesn’t mean the old memories don’t still have a special place in the heart of the children, and the family that they once had.

     I recently received a letter from a father who was hurting over the past memories that were outwardly displayed in the family home.  In this situation, he had custody of his daughter and was remarried.  When they visited the home of his brother, a portrait still remained of all of his siblings, and…the ex wife.  Though he requested it be removed when he visited, it was not, and now they don’t speak.

     Reading this, It hurt that these brothers could let something like a photograph come between them. It really made me think about situations I have had before me.  With divorce and remarriage all around us, we all know someone this applies to.  Perhaps it is time to look around and  address the proper place for these pictures and memories.

     My children have important memories with their dad and I value that they mean something special to them.  However, I don’t exactly want the 8x10 of my ex hanging in the livingroom over the fireplace! I decided what would work for us would be to display them in their bedrooms.  That is their place of comfort, and so it should remain that if my ex is going to hang around-it shall be on his daughters domain.  I have photos from my stepchildrens communions when we are all gathered together. It was nice that we all could amicably gather together for the children, but not once did I think of hanging them on the refrigerator.  They are nicely arranged in a photo album along with their many other milestones.

     Now lets extend outside the immediate family.  My brother was married to a wonderful woman that I am still very close with.  Together they have five children.  I have many pictures of the family as it once was-but again, they are in my albums.   It would only serve to hurt my brother and his new wife if I displayed them on my wall.  It isn’t that I don’t love my ex sister-in-law, I surely do, and her photo’s will always remain in my albums.  How uncomfortable it would be for my brother if they were arranged on the wall of my family room.  I’m thankful that my family has been tactful enough that I never had to say “Umm, would you remove that?”  It was a chapter that did not work out in my book of life, and while the memories will live on for the children, it should not be displayed out of respect for me, my present husband, and the remembrance of what “was”.  Not to mention, I can’t promise I would not, every now and then, be looking for a dart board, or pick up a sharpie to doodle on his face.  After all, we get along for the kids, but there is a reason we are no longer married J

     This applies to dating breakups everywhere.  There needs to be boundaries on what pleasures we take if it is hurting others.  There is certainly a place for everything, but everything should be in its place. So go scope out your home and be sure you aren’t offensive to anyone you love.  Moms, take down the picture of the boyfriend your daughter should have married, and replace it with the real son-in-law you have. (In my case, mom removed Brad Pitt after he pulled a fast one on Jennifer Aniston)  And to the brother who has the sibling picture with the ex wife in it:  Won’t you please reconsider the feelings of those you call family?  Take down the photo, and pick up the phone.

   A place for everything, and everything in its place.

Have a question?  Topic you want addressed?  Write me at Steppingintoday@aol.com

Stepping in Today

                                                                  With Laura Vomvos

  The Monkey in the Middle and Dodge Ball

Sitting back reflecting on games we learned to play during childhood, there were two games I really disliked.  Monkey in the Middle was a game where two or more people would throw the ball around over the head of this poor kid that stood in the middle trying aggressively to catch it. I thought it was rather mean, and had no good reason.   As we got older, we welcomed the introduction of Dodge Ball.  Now, that’s progress – we decided not to leave the poor kid in the middle, but rather, with all of our might, wail the ball at the bodies of others with the full intent of hitting them and knocking them out of the game.  I was never a big fan of either of these games. As an adult I try to process this theory, and continue to refrain from the games that imitate such behavior.

       So, what in the world does this have to do with my stepfamily column this month?  It’s simple.  Our children did not sign up to be the monkey in the middle.  Infact,  I highly doubt they wanted the divorce at all.  Too often, they are stuck playing this game unwillingly because the adults involved have made it so. 

     Time after time they are stuck dodging the verbal throws that one parent aims at the other in an effort to make the hit, or they are playing the monkey while a parents casts their wants and needs into the open air without the ability to look down and see who might be listening, and hurting in the middle.

     As a parent of divorce it is our job to lead by example.  It is our duty to look at the needs of our children and do what is right, for THEM.  Your war doesn’t matter, and it shouldn’t, at least not in the open space provided above your childs head.  What should matter is the quality love and care you give your children daily.   Did they see you smile at their milestones today?  Did they hear you cheer at their wrestling match, or coach at their baseball games?  Did they hear you clap at their dance recital, or watch you eating with delight the brownies they just baked for you?  Or are you too stuck in your game to realize it isn’t a game at all?

       Time is the greatest gift you can give your children.  Healthy involvement in a childs life pays off in measures.  As it stands, we share our children half the time with their other biological parent.  Therefore, the time that you have to impact on their lives is already cut in half – make it the best time spent.  Be there for them at their sporting events, share their hobbies and participate in their education.  Know their friends, learn their interests, and teach them their values.

      The dodge balls will come, but duck them.  If you recall, to actually win at that game it didn’t matter who knocked the other player out at all.   The one who caught the ball and held it was the one left standing.  Let it be your children who are left standing, as they go forward to becoming successful  well adjusted adults,  all because the win did not matter as much as the prize you already have.

Write me at steppingintoday@aol.com

Stepping forward in 2010

I like to take time before the new year begins and reflect on what I have learned in the year prior. I ponder over things I can do differently and change positively in the New Year.  My big blended family had lots of growth this year, a few trials, a few challenges, a few wins and a few losses.  With each day we learn new insight into the lives of those we love, what we can bear, what we can’t, and how to put in place - and sometimes even remove, the boundaries we build around us. This year I have had to deal with obstacles that left me having to reaffirm my commitment to this column.  I’ve often said, “My family isn’t perfect, so why am I writing?” Then I realized, it is because we are not perfect that I do write.  It is for  all of those imperfect blended families that are struggling through this together. Those that have to deal with the off-balance life of  stepfamily.  Those that live sharing their lives with more than one parental viewpoint. The days when you think you should have put up some walls to better protect your feelings.  Days when you think you’ve put out far more than the job called for, and maybe in the wrong direction. Days when you emotionally go from being overjoyed to overspent, but must continue to keep it going.   Without taking you all through the perfect blend of chaos and love here is what I will share as my personal blended family lessons heading into 2010;

·        Loving someone doesn’t mean you are always going to love all their choices.  Love them anyway.

·        There is beauty in noise, because silence means absence.

·        Respect  and love for oneself and your spouse is the best gift you can give your children to witness.

·        How you treat others is reflective, it will be mirrored by your children.

·        A kiss is a just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh, but they can tell and feel the difference.

·        Spending time with family must come before text messages, emails, and facebook.  Adding, in my opinion, you may not defriend your parent on Facebook.

·        Highs and Lows at the dinner table shall go on to annoy the children for the next decade, but you will keep communication open.

·        Family time is the most precious gift we can give to one another

·        Affection, Admiration, Thoughtfulness, Respect, Love, Loyalty and Friendship can be seen  and felt, far more than it can ever be heard.

Finally in closing, I want to share with all of you the definition of the word Step and how perfectly it fits into the realm of things. 

A Step is;

a movement made by lifting the foot and setting it down again in a new position, accompanied by a shifting of the weight of the body in the direction of the new position, as in walking, running, or dancing.

So for the New Year,  I wish all of you stepmoms, stepdads and stepsiblings the ability to make that movement of step in whatever direction needed to keep your family walking, running and dancing to the tune of its very own drum…as offbeat as we may be. 

Happy New Year.

Stepping in Today

                      With Laura Vomvos

Sharing our love during Christmas……..

For stepfamilies, the word sharing takes on a whole new meaning as the holidays approach.  While others share gifts, food and sentiments, we share our greatest gift of all, we share our children.

 During the holiday season I feel the need to toughen up my spirit and know that this year I may have a turkey alone, or for three, or six, or nine.  I’m never completely sure how many of our children will dine with us Thanksgiving day.   Your average stepfamily has to alter their holidays knowing that some days are shared with their children, while other days we are without.  This doesn’t get easier with time, most especially during this blessed season.  While we are used to the flexible schedules and the joint custodial ways of every day life, the holidays always seem to shine a spotlight right on that empty feeling if it happens to be our turn to celebrate without our full family.    As a child of divorced parents, my schedule was Christmas Eve with moms family and a visit to Dads for Christmas Day.  As I got older things changed, I had family of my own, and magically at the same time my parents matured enough to foster a friendship that allowed for all of us to dine at the same table and share the spirit of Christmas together.  While I am so grateful for that, it is certainly the exception and not the rule.

Our family has managed to create a system that works for us.  On Christmas Eve all of our children are with their other biological parent and loved ones. My husband and I spend the night wrapping presents, last minute shopping and visiting friends.  I suppose we should be grateful for little time we have apart from them… but somehow when the lights are shining and the Christmas Carols playing, we just can’t grasp that feeling of gratitude. 

My girls come home either very late that evening or early the next morning and share all their gifts and excitement.  If they come home in the evening, I try to get them to go to bed as late as possible so that they don’t wake up too early the next morning.  That is because we await the arrival of my stepchildren. I am always hopeful that they will arrive bright and early before the others awake, so that it seems like we all wake up together.  How they hate it when I make them all, one at a time, take turns opening gifts. I don’t think they realize that we’ve been waiting for all of them patiently for the past 24 hours.  I’m savoring this family time together and thankful that our Christmas can now begin. We all have breakfast together and I feel joy. At 3:00 my big dysfunctional family of approximately 50 arrive to celebrate Christmas, My Mom and stepfather, My dad and stepmother, my brothers, brother in law, and stepbrothers, my stepsisters, half sister and sisters in law, along with my precious nieces and nephews in droves…all under one roof, but all together, for it is our time to have Christmas, as we truly have learned how to “share” our love at Christmastime.

So, in the spirit of the holiday season, I would like to send special hugs out to all of those parents who have to spend some or all of their holidays without their children, so that they can share their childs love with their other parent.  It isn’t an emptiness that can easily be filled, but one that can be softened just knowing that there are thousands of others out there, just like you.

 Love and Gods Blessings for a very Merry Christmas.

Stepping In Today…

                             With Laura Vomvos

The Path of the Wicked Stepmother

Once again we have a creative movie production company releasing a new horror film entitled “Stepfather”. You know, the one in which the evil stepfather plots against every family member.  It never ceases to amaze me how we struggle to get away from this stereotypic thought process, only to be returned to it daily in our films, fairytales and clinche’s.

     As I sat in my office one day I had to interject my opinion when I heard someone say “They were treating me like a stepchild” only to have another correct it and say “Yeah, the red-headed stepchild”.  I proudly arose from my desk to exclaim that those comments were giving me a bad name.  After all, my stechildren are treated exceptionally well.  Infact, I have been accused by my own biological children of saving the best meals for them, and baking brownies only when they are home with us.  Well, there is a slight truth to that, but it isn’t that I save it for them, or withhold it from my own, it is simply that I plan special meals and treats when we can all enjoy it together as a family.

    So, I have a theory as to the path of the Wicked Stepmother.  She wasn’t born that way.  No, she was created.  You see, there is a story before Cinderella.  Prior to marrying Cinderella’s father, I am convinced that this same woman was Snow White.  When Snow White moved into the home of her former husband she was granted the pleasure of the seven little dwarfs running around.  It wasn’t long before she realized that Sneezy left his tissues everywhere and she was the one expected to clean them up, and get his medicine when he was up all night with allergies.  Grumpy walked by her without even so much as saying hello.  Doc was a  know-it-all and questioned everything she did.  Happy left his sporting equipment all over, causing Dopey to trip and fall over it - none of the dwarfs picked anything up.  Bashful wasn’t really a problem but didn’t speak to her much at all, and Sleepy stayed out late, had her up all night worrying and slept until noon the next day.  Finally, having felt unloved and unappreciated she moved out and met Cinderella’s dad.   Cinderella was a really sweet girl but she didn’t have a chance. Those seven dwarfs did that stepmother in, and this time she had zero tolerance.  So, the moral of the story is; the stepmother and the stepfather are not wicked.  They are placed in a situation that teeters between the parent relationship and the building of a friendship.  While, need I add, that all the while everything done is inspected by the outside force of the other bio-parent.  (I believe she held an apple to her at some point, but will write that out of my script for now).  Sometimes they even wonder if they truly are running their household at, as it certainly was not without outside interference.  The path to the Wicked Stepmother is a long one, and one full of boundaries and efforts that far exceed that of the intact family unit. A path in which I quickly claim my space, so I never journey that far to the wicked side! With that in mind, I ask you all to rethink the stepparent persona, give us respect and love we deserve and watch how quickly that is returned. 

    Now, I know I have a movie in the making here.  Any co-writers care to join me?

Stepping out until next month.  Write me at Steppingintoday@aol.com