steppingintoday.com

Stepping In Today

                                                 With Laura Vomvos

I am glued to the program The Bachelor this season. It is based on a man dating each week until he finds the woman he wants to marry.  This season they have chosen Jason, a handsome, kind single dad.  If you really want to talk reality television, lets get real.  This woman is going to be a stepmom.

    This week they went to New Zealand and the fantasy suite was offered.  Next, it is Jasons hometown to meet his adorable 3 year old son, Ty.  A fantasy suite with uninterrupted time, when you are dating the father of a 3 year old? Reality is, Ty should have been in the next room, exclaiming that he couldn’t sleep, had a bad dream, and needed a drink of water.  Due to the dynamics of the situation, the coming attractions of flying a kite with Ty on the beach just don’t cut it. Ty should certainly be sharing a stomach virus to break them in.  He should play actively and loudly like little boys do, to prevail over the tranquil romantic conversation.  These women should, at the very least, have to sit on a baseball field with the other biological parent.  In that, you might find a hint of reality.

     I hope they are secure and independent enough in themselves to realize that there exists a child before them, and to allow that relationship to thrive in and of itself. What I’m saying is, sometimes in stepping in, you need to know when to step out.

     In finding the balance, you need to include without encompassing.  The healthiest relationship is the one that is shared while allowing the child and parent to still exist outside of your newly blended family.  When I first started dating my husband, and many years after, I would always schedule Sunday as a work day.  I spent a few days that week with my stepchildren already, and I felt that Sunday was their day to be with their dad, alone.  At the same time, I had little stolen moments with my girls that were only about us…getting our nails done, going to Starbucks, catching a “chick flick”.   On my daughters 16^th birthdays I planned travel rather than a party.  The girl time and the memories last us a lifetime.  The children need to know they are still a primary focus.  I never wanted to be the one that showed up and the face of the children said “not her again!”  I wanted my time with my stepchildren to be appreciated, not forced upon.  I will never forget when my stepson said to me one Sunday, as I was leaving for work “Why do you always have to work, can’t you stay home with us?” I smiled from ear to ear.  It had worked…the breathing room I allowed them made them enjoy me and welcome me, and yes, I could stay home.

     I have a friend whose daughter has visits with her dad weekly.  She awaits his arrival, only to be continually greeted by the stepmom and new sibling, and sometimes an extra niece or two, every time.  While this feeling of involvement can be welcoming, it can also be invasive.  When is her time?  When does she alone matter?  The key to balance is to be involved, not emerged. 

     So, I want to wish the chosen girl all the best of both worlds.  The walk of a stepparent can be pleasant, as any walk can…on a nice day, with a gentle pace, and no push and shove of the crowd.

…..stepping out until next time, when we will discuss “Are we Overcompensating?”