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Stepping in Today

                                                                  With Laura Vomvos

  The Monkey in the Middle and Dodge Ball

Sitting back reflecting on games we learned to play during childhood, there were two games I really disliked.  Monkey in the Middle was a game where two or more people would throw the ball around over the head of this poor kid that stood in the middle trying aggressively to catch it. I thought it was rather mean, and had no good reason.   As we got older, we welcomed the introduction of Dodge Ball.  Now, that’s progress – we decided not to leave the poor kid in the middle, but rather, with all of our might, wail the ball at the bodies of others with the full intent of hitting them and knocking them out of the game.  I was never a big fan of either of these games. As an adult I try to process this theory, and continue to refrain from the games that imitate such behavior.

       So, what in the world does this have to do with my stepfamily column this month?  It’s simple.  Our children did not sign up to be the monkey in the middle.  Infact,  I highly doubt they wanted the divorce at all.  Too often, they are stuck playing this game unwillingly because the adults involved have made it so. 

     Time after time they are stuck dodging the verbal throws that one parent aims at the other in an effort to make the hit, or they are playing the monkey while a parents casts their wants and needs into the open air without the ability to look down and see who might be listening, and hurting in the middle.

     As a parent of divorce it is our job to lead by example.  It is our duty to look at the needs of our children and do what is right, for THEM.  Your war doesn’t matter, and it shouldn’t, at least not in the open space provided above your childs head.  What should matter is the quality love and care you give your children daily.   Did they see you smile at their milestones today?  Did they hear you cheer at their wrestling match, or coach at their baseball games?  Did they hear you clap at their dance recital, or watch you eating with delight the brownies they just baked for you?  Or are you too stuck in your game to realize it isn’t a game at all?

       Time is the greatest gift you can give your children.  Healthy involvement in a childs life pays off in measures.  As it stands, we share our children half the time with their other biological parent.  Therefore, the time that you have to impact on their lives is already cut in half – make it the best time spent.  Be there for them at their sporting events, share their hobbies and participate in their education.  Know their friends, learn their interests, and teach them their values.

      The dodge balls will come, but duck them.  If you recall, to actually win at that game it didn’t matter who knocked the other player out at all.   The one who caught the ball and held it was the one left standing.  Let it be your children who are left standing, as they go forward to becoming successful  well adjusted adults,  all because the win did not matter as much as the prize you already have.

Write me at steppingintoday@aol.com