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Stepping In With A Place For Everything, And Everything In Its Place.

     If there is one thing we know about stepfamilies, it is that you are stepping into a life that is already shared with others that are very dear.  It is a wonderful thing when you can form a blended family that works well together and creates a new happy family, but that doesn’t mean the old memories don’t still have a special place in the heart of the children, and the family that they once had.

     I recently received a letter from a father who was hurting over the past memories that were outwardly displayed in the family home.  In this situation, he had custody of his daughter and was remarried.  When they visited the home of his brother, a portrait still remained of all of his siblings, and…the ex wife.  Though he requested it be removed when he visited, it was not, and now they don’t speak.

     Reading this, It hurt that these brothers could let something like a photograph come between them. It really made me think about situations I have had before me.  With divorce and remarriage all around us, we all know someone this applies to.  Perhaps it is time to look around and  address the proper place for these pictures and memories.

     My children have important memories with their dad and I value that they mean something special to them.  However, I don’t exactly want the 8x10 of my ex hanging in the livingroom over the fireplace! I decided what would work for us would be to display them in their bedrooms.  That is their place of comfort, and so it should remain that if my ex is going to hang around-it shall be on his daughters domain.  I have photos from my stepchildrens communions when we are all gathered together. It was nice that we all could amicably gather together for the children, but not once did I think of hanging them on the refrigerator.  They are nicely arranged in a photo album along with their many other milestones.

     Now lets extend outside the immediate family.  My brother was married to a wonderful woman that I am still very close with.  Together they have five children.  I have many pictures of the family as it once was-but again, they are in my albums.   It would only serve to hurt my brother and his new wife if I displayed them on my wall.  It isn’t that I don’t love my ex sister-in-law, I surely do, and her photo’s will always remain in my albums.  How uncomfortable it would be for my brother if they were arranged on the wall of my family room.  I’m thankful that my family has been tactful enough that I never had to say “Umm, would you remove that?”  It was a chapter that did not work out in my book of life, and while the memories will live on for the children, it should not be displayed out of respect for me, my present husband, and the remembrance of what “was”.  Not to mention, I can’t promise I would not, every now and then, be looking for a dart board, or pick up a sharpie to doodle on his face.  After all, we get along for the kids, but there is a reason we are no longer married J

     This applies to dating breakups everywhere.  There needs to be boundaries on what pleasures we take if it is hurting others.  There is certainly a place for everything, but everything should be in its place. So go scope out your home and be sure you aren’t offensive to anyone you love.  Moms, take down the picture of the boyfriend your daughter should have married, and replace it with the real son-in-law you have. (In my case, mom removed Brad Pitt after he pulled a fast one on Jennifer Aniston)  And to the brother who has the sibling picture with the ex wife in it:  Won’t you please reconsider the feelings of those you call family?  Take down the photo, and pick up the phone.

   A place for everything, and everything in its place.

Have a question?  Topic you want addressed?  Write me at Steppingintoday@aol.com