steppingintoday.com

Stepping In Today... with Laura Vomvos

             The Distance between Darth Vadar and Strawberry Shortcake

Immediately upon meeting my stepchildren I went into Super Supercalifragilistic Stepmom Overdrive. I decided that these kids were going to like me, love me-infact, and that I was going to do everything in my power to make us a dynamic blended family. So I put the S on my shirt and began. I decided I could work full time, take care of the house and the laundry and still make a full course meal and a pie to go with it.  At the same time, I could attend every sporting event, school function and hobby that each one was involved in.  I made sure that on the days we were all together I made the best meals and dessert to go with it.  I planned the family outings and the games we would play together.  Once, when my backyard camp outing was rained out, I set up the tent in the livingroom.  I made smores, got flashlights and threw gummy worms and fake butterflies on the sheets to make it feel like my campout was still on. I wasn't crazy, just crazy to make my stepchildren love me, my husband be proud, and my family blend in fun and unique ways.

At this same time, I had three children of my own, and shortly after, we added our little bonus guy.  It never dawned on me that I might be too focused on the new blend, instead of the little package I was already graced with. It wasn’t until years later when my little 11 year old (now 22), made a comment that the best dinners were made when my stepchildren were here.  I was so taken back and hurt, after all, it wasn’t  just  for my stepchildren, but for the family unit as a whole.  Suddenly, my heart sank, as I realized that I went into overdrive for my new combined family, without the thought of the little pre-existing family that I already had.  Now, I'm not going into a guilt trip, as I think I did just fine, and all in the name of love of course.   However, it did start hitting a nerve when the question "are the kids coming over today?" equated itself with "is it a big yummy dinner night or are we doing mac n cheese?".  Ouch, I thought to myself.  Here I was so centered on the "us" that I didn't really give much thought to the "mine".   Just like my stepchildren have a mom that does special things with them, I am the mom to mine, who now wait for special times-times when we can all be together as a family.

 Now, I know I didn't do anything horribly wrong. After all, the children do love one another as if they were biologically related, almost to my amazement at times.  But truth be told, the super "S" on my chest only stood for stupid.  Sure, my stepchildren like me, infact I believe they may even love me, but to my surprise, I wasn't given any trophy, or award or plaque, and nobody even baked me a cake! I tend to think that in retrospect they would have liked me just fine had I smiled and ordered them a pizza. 

 I often wonder if I missed some important opportunities in life while perfecting the stepmother persona.  I also wonder if the days I'm feeling overwhelmed is not due in part to my thinking I have superpowers and trying to be all that I can be to everyone, almost to a point of forgetting that inside this supergalaxy exterior is still just little ole’ me.

 I'm sharing my reality so others know that you don't need to battle off the artificial stigma of the wicked stepmother or stepmonster,  you just need to give yourself permission to be you, and to be real.  As with most of our life lessons,we learn as we go.  I've learned that there is a long distance between Darth Vadar and Strawberry Shortcake, and in the best interest of my entire family, I'm not going to sway too close to either side, but right in the middle, where I will find the best of "Me".  That is where the true love I feel for all of my children resides.